The recent controversy surrounding the fixing of badminton matches at the Olympics has resulted in China’s filthy,
lying cheat Yu Yang announcing her retirement from the fun seaside pastime, or ‘sport’ as it has been
labelled for the purposes of the Games. Subsequent to their disqualification
along with six other players, Yu Yang and her partner, the interestingly named Wang
Xiaoli, were made to publicly apologise on Chinese television while wearing the
Dunce Hat of Dishonour, the most humiliating garment available in China’s
extensive wardrobe of shame. Yu Yang later blogged “Goodbye my beloved
badminton” before chopping off her badminton arm with the Rusty Hacksaw of
Disgrace.
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Jamie Oliver had borrowed the Kitchen Knife of Discredit, so
Xiaoli had to find something else to use
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The removal of her arm was taken in her stride by Yang, as Chinese
athletes are trained from an early age to be tough both physically
and mentally. Indeed, almost from birth Chinese children undergo character
building levels of physical training in order to become the ultimate athletes;
by the age of seven they are able to withstand a punch in the stomach from a
rowdy drunk, being run over by a wheelbarrow full of broken televisions, and
are able to tie themselves into a guide knot. During this rigorous training regime
it is not unknown for a few of the children to break, but they are simply discarded
and another takes its place. It is for the honour of the nation, after all.
But this is nothing compared to what some athletes are
forced to endure in the name of achieving sporting greatness on behalf of their
nations. Take a look at what Russia’s
judo medalist, Arsen Galstyan has been required
to wear at London 2012:
Many have branded Galstyan’s treatment ‘a disgrace to the
modern games’ and ‘simply unbelievable.’ As if the tracksuit was not
humiliating enough, the Russian was forced to wear a big ‘70s-style medallion and
hold a bunch of flowers while singing ‘I’m a Little Teapot’. Outrageous.
And it’s not just backward foreigners who suffer humiliation
for international sporting glory, British Hockey team member Laura Unsworth has
admitted to imposing a ban on curly-haired team mate Ashleigh Ball from
straightening her hair before a match because she thinks it’s bad
luck. The mental hockeyer, who also admits to going to the toilet at certain
times as part of a pre-match ritual, recently took her sanctions on her colleague’s
grooming too far when she began insisting that Ball did not shave her armpits
for two weeks before an important match. The ban was later lifted, however,
when the straggly armpit hair became so long that it impeded Ball’s ability to
swing her hockey bat, and made spectators feel a bit sick when it protruded
from her tee shirt.
Multi-medallist Bradley Wiggins was also faced with a tough
decision early in his career, as he used to have only one sideburn. However, the
sideburn, which resided on the left side of his face, caused a huge problem of
imbalance, and Wiggins repeatedly fell off his bike mid-race as a result. It was
at the tender age of 19 years-old that his trainer took him to one side and
firmly told him that he’d have to grow a sideburn on the right as well, in order
to stabilise himself whilst cycling. Since then Wiggo has never looked back. Our
cycling hero plans to retire after the London Olympics, and intends to shave
off both of his sideburns in celebration of the end of his career. “I’m considering
setting down to a quiet life,” he told the press yesterday, “And perhaps I’ll
grow half a moustache.”
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